happy sunday
wrapped up a six-month-long project this week. way more politics than i’m used to dealing with at work. three times i was asked why i’d done something and had to find a diplomatic way to reply, “because that’s what you, the hired expert, said to do two emails ago :)”
half of my job is just telling people to scroll back to what was said earlier.
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got outside this week, too, sometimes just to walk a few blocks to the very fragrant gardenia bush i didn’t notice last spring. i just stood in the driveway for a while one morning.
friday afternoon, a friend and i went to the park at the back (front?) of the neighborhood. we’re both struggling to accept the softness that’s making its way into our lives. are we dinner party people now? we’re thinking about taking a pottery class together.
there is an insolent child inside me stomping her foot: “no, i have edge, damn it!”
maybe i’ll let her break the pottery later.
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haven’t been reading as much lately. the world is the way that it is because people are the way that they are and i’m not sure how many more ways i need that metaphorized or think-pieced.
i am going to try to make it to the library more though. i haven’t been since i moved closest to the HQ branch. it was a lifesaver when i first got to town; we couldn’t afford internet or cable, so i checked out a DVD of boogie man: the lee atwater story assuming that a random 2008 documentary about a man i’d never heard of would help me fall asleep.
it was riveting. i watched it on my massive HP laptop every night for weeks, totally consumed by how little i understood about the underbelly of politics. it was the first time it occurred to me that, oh, people just lie.
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on monday, i will have been working with my primary retainer client for five years. we’ve worked together through several of my identity crises, and any time i find a new type of work i want to specialize in, she just changes my title instead of letting me leave lol.
i just got a small package from her: a couple of trinkets, a box of chocolate treats, a mug, one of those little decor signs.
she’s kept me out of the feast / famine cycle of freelancing and has been the primary referrer for most of my other recent clients. people often ask me how i’m able to find work; the truth is that i really lucked out with the first five or six gigs i had – they were all with people who had strong professional networks and who have been generous with their recommendations even years after we stopped working together.
this has given me a lot of freedom to play with other income streams and business models and marketing strategies. nothing sticks. it all feels like a ponzi scheme. everything comes down to: pay me to do something that might make others want to pay you more. commerce is performance too.
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really itching for a long-term project of my own. something with a clear beginning / middle / end. can’t put my finger on what it is, what has me feeling so antsy.
i know i can, and should, just pick something, start making something, start doing something with my hands. i’ll find my way if i just go.
maybe after this cup of tea.