vics ── .✦

an anniversary

coming up on a year since i completely fell apart! it technically started last january (against my will), but 365 days ago i was pepe silvia-ing my partner about my evil fifth layer of subconsciousness if that gives you an idea of where i was at mentally 💁🏻‍♀️

when i was 21 or 22, an older friend told me that i needed to deal with my shit or it would eventually deal with me; this is what she was talking about.

it was a good thing; it was kinetic energy. i unraveled.

/

i’m always hesitant once i start writing about this, because i don’t know what the story is, what point i’m trying to make. i don’t want to be self-indulgent or self-righteous or gratuitous – but i also really, really do.

a monumental chapter in my life has closed and i feel like i need to, i don’t know, metabolize it somehow. express something, but i don’t feel like i have anything to say.

/

closure doesn’t feel like anything.

one day something is a problem, and the next day it isn’t, and that’s the whole thing. the cloud of unfinished business is gone, but you never notice the moment it leaves.

or your house is on fire for months, and then you blink and everything and everyone is back to normal. except you.

/

i’m mostly fine outside of having so effectively isolated myself that every human interaction makes me sweat. weirdly, this is only with people i know –

well, maybe not so weird, i guess that’s the whole thing: i feel so drastically different that it’s like i’m trying to remember to cosplay whatever character they’re used to.

i don’t know how to externalize the change is what i’m saying.

i also don’t know what i think people expect from me, or why i think they care.

/

my lack of confidence is exasperating. i act meek and guarded and then get annoyed when people treat me that way. i speak like i question myself and get mad when someone else questions me.

in 2016, i asked my friends to address me as madam president and they did. i’ve gotten almost every job i’ve ever interviewed for, every raise i’ve requested, i’ve finished every silly thirty-day challenge i’ve tried since 2021, and i’m learning new skills constantly. i’ve been broke and missed bills and i failed every language class i ever took, but i have a reasonable track record of success and discipline and it is so annoying that i don’t do anything with it or at least present myself as a more competent and secure person.

i’m being hard on myself, but only because i know the slump i’m in is so easy to get out of.

put yr shoes on and go outside.

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#2025 #journal